This week I had someone very close to my heart, which I had been a “friend” on Facebook (with plans to meet soon) with for nearly 2 years betrayed me in the most shocking way. It hurt, it hurt like crazy, but as I reflected on it in the hours after it happened I realized that most of the reason why I was so hurt was actually because I was caught out being less than the women I know I am. I wrote hurtful and yes even mean spirited words about a couple of people while corresponding privately with this “friend”. After a disagreement with this Facebook “friend” (which I thought had been resolved in a very pleasant way) the person then cut and copied parts of my private correspondence with her and sent it to the ladies it was about. It was sent via a fake account and omitted any of the “friends” comments back to me.
It’s a hard thing to reflect on a situation and see your written words coming back to bite you, words that at the time you really didn’t even think to much about or ever think would be used against you by someone you trusted, someone you confided in, someone you shared your life details with.
At first I was really angry, I cried out in frustration and betrayal. I tried to explain my position, my heart. I tried to justify it by saying it was a private conversation between 2 friends, but the truth is my words had hurt others, my words had caused me to be mistrusted, and for people to question my professionalism and integrity. I could continue to blame my “friend” for her awful act of betrayal or I could take ownership, and ask for forgiveness.
Other friends gave me advice, people supported me and my husband let me cry on his shoulder, but the truth is I am the only one to blame. I allowed my integrity to be kick to the curb, I lowered my standards and engaged in school yard bitchy girl behavior, I betrayed now friends with my words and I am here to say I am human and I have flaws.
I could seek revenge, I could even publish the complete conversation which will spotlight the person who betrayed me and believe me I was tempted, but that would of just lowered my integrity even more and it would just cause the people who where already affected to Hurt even more. So I have decided to take a step back, to reflect and continue to seek forgiveness. I have decided to view this as a positive. It has allowed me to see my vaults and flaws. It’s not a pretty view let me tell you, I was ugly, I was wrong, but here is the thing, I was wrong & sure the friend was wrong too but revenge serves no purpose. I need to rise above this, I need to learn from it and I need to work at restoring my name and heart and most if all I need to forgive my friend, we can never be friends as we where but I can forgive her actions knowing she must act out if fear and hurt what else would explain this unprovoked action.
And so I will move forward, forgiving myself and work harder to be the women I know I am, the women who is trustworthy and honest, the women who loves her friends to a fault and cherishes their wisdom and support. The women who is human and will always have faults but the women who has leant some very valuable lessons about honesty and integrity.